Expectations & Desires
by sonnetStar
Summary: Even heroes lack courage sometimes. They need to be reminded that they also get to not live up to expectations and choose their own paths. Sometimes, an old friend is all you need to get the right perspective.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Even heroes lack courage sometimes. They need to be reminded that they also get to not live up to expectations and choose their own paths. Sometimes, an old friend is all you need to get the right perspective.

 **Pairing:** Hermione Granger x Spencer Reid

 **A/N: So I've had this idea in my head for the last two years, and boy am I glad to have finally put it into words!**

 **I obviously don't own Criminal Minds or Harry Potter!**

 **Read & Review guys. Hope you like it!**

* * *

Oh God no!

That was the first thought that came to her mind the moment she saw Ron kneel down in front of her.

Oh God no - not now! There are a million people here!

Her boyfriend of 6 years and best friend of 15 was down on one knee in front of her, and all she could think was that there were too many people around them and that she did not want to hurt him in front of everyone.

A part of her was worried about how to handle this situation without losing the extended family she has in the Weasleys, while the other half was angry at Ron for proposing to her in the first place, for not knowing that she would never want to get married so young, despite having been her friend for more than a decade.

She could see it now. She could imagine the look of hurt and betrayal on Mrs Weasley's face, which would turn to one of scorn and distaste as she'd turn against Hermione out of loyalty to her son. Molly Weasley, for all her strengths, could be blind in her love for her son, or those she deemed family. Unfortunately for Hermione, she would cease to be family if she chooses to make a decision that goes against the plans that Ron seems to have for the both of them.

Is it really the timing of the proposal that you're opposed to, or the one proposing? Hermione banished that thought as soon as it came, not willing to dissect the reasons behind her unwillingness to marry Ron at the moment. Right. One catastrophe at a time.

As she floundered for an answer, for a way to prevent the oncoming blow up, Hermione turned to look at the others around her. Harry was looking at her with sympathy and understanding, a look he shared with George, while Ginny looked more confused, probably wondering what's taking her so long. As ill-timed as it was, Hermione got the thought that how Ginny, who was known for her thorough comprehension of relationships for once didn't understand Hermione's hesitation, whereas Harry was showing an insight which was definitely rare for him.

Unable to get a control of the situation, she made a split second decision.

Even as her mind focused on the 3 important D's of apparition "Destination, Determination and Deliberation", she looked at Ron.

His face was turning from a confused and embarrassed red to an outraged purple, getting angrier the longer she took to answer him.

"Ron…" she started, before breaking off.

"Ron, I'm sorry" she finished.

"Wha- Hermione, what's going on?"

"I- I'm so sorry! I can't marry you." Choked out Hermione, before disappearing with a loud pop.

—

It was with shaking hands that Hermione sent the text message. All it said was one word, which mentioned neither the time nor the place of meeting but will be understood just the same.

SOS

A restless energy had taken root inside of her, making her pace back and forth on the sidewalk, hands wringing and breathing heavily.

What's taking him so long? It's not like I called him to the North Pole or anything!

Rational thoughts and logic, something Hermione Granger prided herself on, seemed to have deserted her at that moment in time. It appears that she had

forgotten that the person she had called was not a wizard, and her patience was wearing thin.

Ten minutes passed, then fifteen. She was starting to think she made a mistake, that he was away at the moment and wasn't coming. It was a full twenty-five minutes past that she heard the footsteps nearing. As the bridge was empty, with not another soul in sight, it was easier to identify the person.

Dr Spencer Reid walked with purpose, hurrying along the footpath toward one of the select few people on this earth whom he trusted implicitly, and who knew him completely. Well, almost completely.

Back home from an exhausting case, in a series of exhausting cases, all he wanted to do was sleep the weekend away. Instead, just as he was getting comfortable on his sofa, he heard his phone beep with a new message.

There goes my Lord of the Rings marathon and a relaxing weekend!

Even though he is not a religious person, at that moment he prayed that this wasn't another case. He didn't think he had enough energy to deal with any more of the country's most twisted.

What he found was a message from one of his best friend, and definitely his oldest friend in the world.

That SOS was enough to tell him where she was. You don't stay friends with someone for almost all of your life and not have certain codes, so to say. The bridge in question was at a walking distance from his apartment, and so he set out at once.

Even from a distance he could see her, made easier by the fact that she was all alone there.

She was pacing back and forth, and as he neared, he could see that she was breathing heavily, almost at the verge of panicking. Ignoring his curious nature that wanted to know the reason she had called him out of the blue, especially with an emergency text, his first priority was to make sure she wasn't hurt.

"Hermione! Are you okay? What happened? Are you hurt?"

The longer she went without replying the more he got worried. Reaching for her arm, he tried to stop her pacing but ended up with a crying woman in his arms.

"Shit! Wha- What the hell happened? Did Ron do this? Hermione, you are freaking me out here. Seriously, I'm half a moment away from-"

"I'm not hurt. I mean not physically" came her reply in a wobbly voice.

This didn't help his worry at all. Hermione Granger very rarely sounds anything but strong. She was still breathing heavily, and so he guided her to the sidewalk and helped her sit down, forcing her head down to stop her hyperventilating. He knew she was getting better when she started to sit straight without needing his support.

Once he was sure she was calmer, he asked her what had happened.

Slowly, he got the full story from her. He could see part of her wanted to go back in time and accept that proposal just so she could avoid hurting Ron. And he was right. Just as she finished telling him what had happened, she got that panicked look in her eyes, straightened up suddenly, and said, "Shit! I have to go back. I- I have to say yes. He would be so embarrassed! And the Weasleys- OhmyGod they'll be so humiliated. I'll just tell them I overreacted because I was upset about something else. I mean we've been in a relationship for 6 years right! That's long enough to get married, right? I'm just being silly. Yes, I'm being silly. It'll be okay. I'll- I'll adjust."

As she started to get up, Spencer decided he had to stop this before it got further. Holding on to her hands, stopping her from standing, he said, "Don't you think the fact that you're planning to say yes to marrying him because he would be embarrassed otherwise says something?"

That stopped her short. As she made to reply to him, saying "But Spenc-" he continued.

"Hermione, he proposed to you. And your first thought was how will you say no to him in front of everyone. You're scared of losing your family in the Weasleys. But is it really what YOU want?"

"But that's what's expected of us. We're Hermione and Ron. Just like Harry and Ginny. Everyone's expecting us to tie the knot soon. Especially since Harry and Gin just got married. They've always said we're the dream couple. Right since the end of the war. That we're made for each other. I mean what would everyone say? Everyone would be so disappointed in us. In me!"

"I'm not talking about everyone else. I'm not talking about the wizarding world, to whom you owe absolutely nothing, by the way. I'm not talking about Harry and Ginny or the Weasleys or anyone else. I'm talking about you. What do you want to do? Do you want to marry Ron?"

Silence.

As he opens his mouth to ask her again, she replied.

"No. I-I don't"

"Now is that an 'I don't want to marry Ron now' or 'I don't want to marry Ron'?"

There was a sudden intake of breath, and then, "I don't want to marry Ron."

Giving Hermione a few seconds to process what she'd just admitted, he asked her something he'd wondered for a long while and that he knew was the crux of the story here.

"Are you in a relationship with Ron because you're in love with him?"

"I- I love him. Of course, I love him. Why else would I be with him!"

"I know you love him. But are you in love with him? I know you know the difference."

"I've known him for 15 years. He's my best friend!"

"He is. And you're avoiding the question."

…

"You can avoid giving me an answer. But you'll know it for yourself. And you can't lie to yourself, you know."

He could see the struggle in her eyes. She was fighting herself, denying herself and he hated that. He knew what she would say before she even began.

"But how could I just leave him? So many people are out there rooting for us. They're wanting us to have this happily ever after. The whole of wizarding England has expectations. If I just walk away then I'll be disappointing so many people. Ron and his family would be heartbroken!"

"The wizarding world is not in this relationship, Hermione. The Weasleys aren't either. They don't know the truth about you and Ron, only you and Ron do. And only YOU know what how you're feeling about Ron and this relationship. No one else. The two of you are the only people who have the right to decide whether you stay or not."

"But won't I be letting everyone down?"

"Wh-Why? Why does everyone else get to decide who you're supposed to be in love with? And wouldn't you be letting yourself and your parents down by allowing others to dictate one of your life's most significant decision? Tell me, when you first told me about those silly, archaic wizarding traditions of arranged marriages and betrothals, didn't you say that even parents can only tell you what they think about a match. But that the decision to choose the person we get to spend our whole lives with should be our own? Does that not apply here?"

"Nobody arranged a match for us!" She replied angrily, "Ron and I got into this relationship because we had feelings for each other!" Spencer could see he'd hit a nerve here. But he continued.

"But you're staying in it because that is what's expected of you. Not because you're happy or that you're in love with him and want to spend the rest of your life with him by your side." He shifted from his position to kneel down in front of her, holding her hands in front of him. There were tears in her eyes now, a sight that made his heart hurt.

"Hermione you fought a war. You fought a bloody war and won. You can be done now. You don't owe anything to anyone else. You didn't win a war for your right to exist in the wizarding world just so they could determine what job you take and who you fall in love with and who you get to marry. This is your life. Only you get to live it."

She was crying now, the tears falling silently down her face. Taking a deep breath, she asked, "Even if I hurt a lot of people in doing that?"

"Yes. Because they're your family. Family supports each other even when they disagree with each other. It may hurt them that you're not marrying Ron anymore, but if they love you, they'll understand that love doesn't follow set plans, that you can't make yourself feel things you don't, and most importantly, that you shouldn't have to. How long do you think Ron's happiness would last, even if you do say yes? Sooner or later he'll realise you don't love him the way he deserves and he'll lash out at you. I've heard enough about him from you to know that. You'll both be miserable and resentful in your marriage. Then nobody gets their happily ever after."

He waited for her to respond but she only cried. Knowing she needed to let this out, he simply held her in his arms.

He'd carry her as far as he could, but some obstacles one has to cross on their own.

After a while, he noticed she'd stopped. He was wondering what he could say to her, but she spoke first.

"You-you're right. You're right. It's just so hard. I never wanted to hurt anybody. And now a lot of people will" she said, "But, um, as you said. It'd only get worse and I can't lie to them about this."

"I'll come with you. You don't have to do this alone!"  
"I- I do. I'll be okay." Hermione gave him a tired, small smile. The most she could manage at the moment.

It was only as she thought to get up that she realised how close both of them were sitting, and she immediately became aware of him in a way that screamed 'more than friends.'

She could feel his breath on her face. He was close enough that she could imagine how his heart would feel, beating under her palm. His arms were still around her waist, whereas one of her hand was clutching onto his shirt and the other was around his neck, her fingers curled around his curls.

This proximity to Spencer brought back feelings that she thought she'd buried long ago. Back when they were younger, and she thought she was the only one with them.

But what if you're not the only one? And you didn't really forget those feelings. Not being in love with Ron wasn't the only reason you didn't wanna marry him, did you? It was hard to shut these thoughts now when there wasn't anything else drawing her attention away anymore.

Hermione wasn't the only one affected by this closeness. It was all Spencer could do to hold himself back now. Almost 7 to 8 years he's had to suppress any romantic notions towards his best friend when she was clearly falling for someone else. Putting her happiness first, he'd stepped back and never gave any indication that he'd thought of her as anything more than a friend.

And now it turns out all that anguish was for naught. She wasn't even happy with that guy! She hadn't been happy for a long time, and he couldn't help but think if things would have been different if he'd just had the courage to tell her he was crazy about her.

But one thing he'd learned in his job was to never torture yourself with the what ifs. There's no reason to make yourself suffer over things you can't change. Of course, experience has also taught him that that's easier said than done. His head was filled with images of what his life with Hermione would've been like if he'd had confessed his feelings to her.

His thoughts were cut off abruptly when he felt the softest of touch on his lips, just the barest of pressure put there by another pair. He was emboldened by the realisation that Hermione was kissing him, and before he knew it, he was reciprocating with fervour, moving his against hers like he'd done this a thousand times.

But just as quickly it started, the kiss was stopped as the both of them backed away at once, reminded as they were of a glaring truth. Whether they wanted or not, one of them was still, as of yet, in a committed relationship.

"I'm sorry—"

"We shouldn't have done that!"

They both spoke at once. Spencer's heart felt like it was breaking all over again, Hermione's words repeating in his brain. We shouldn't have done that. She doesn't feel the same way. Great job genius! She was probably just thanking you and there you go ruining it!

Before his thoughts could drag him any lower though, Hermione's voice brought him back.

"I have to finish this with Ron. He deserves to know the truth about how I feel." There was a nervous laughter from her before she continued, "or don't feel about him. I can't let him hanging, feeling so humiliated and without answers or an explanation and- and be with you. I want to be. God knows I do, but I can't- I won't be that person. I won't cheat."

She sounded strong now. As if admitting to herself the truth and acting on her feelings for once had finally given her the courage she needed to once again take control of her life. And Spencer felt as if all the love and respect he had for her quadrupled just then. He didn't believe that was even possible.

Giving her a small, understanding smile, he reached out to tuck her hair behind her ear, gently and then rested his palm on her cheek. Spencer brought her head closer to his, and dropped a soft kiss on her forehead, almost touching her hairline. Stepping back, he said to her "I know. It was the right thing to do. Ron and you deserve a clean break before we explore this." Trying to lighten the situation, he said, "I'm just glad you're not regretting kissing me. I've been waiting for it for the better part of a decade, you know!"

Okay, he might have been motivated to finally let her know how he's felt for such a long time. Still, it worked. There was a bashful smile on her lips and a blush on her face when she heard this, for a moment forgetting the difficult and emotionally upsetting task ahead of her.

"You have, have you? Well, I hope I've performed up to your expectations, Mr Genius!" She replied with a mischievous look in her eyes.

"Oh, you've surpassed any expectations I might've had, Ms Granger."

Christ, they were flirting now! Half an hour ago he was wiping her tears and now they were flirting.

But soon it was time to face the reality. They both stood up, facing each other on the sidewalk.

Tucking her hair behind her ear, Hermione looked into Spencer's eyes. Giving him a sad smile, she said, "I have to go. Time to face the music, or firing squad in my case, I guess."

"I know. It'll be okay, you know. They may be angry at the moment, but they'll come around. They love you. besides, you'll always have your mom and dad supporting you. I'm sure of that."

"Yes, that's the one saving grace in all of this. And I think Harry and George will be too. At least it looked that way when I was running away from Ron."

"And me. You'll always have me by your side, you know. Always."

She was smiling at the ground now, as she replied with a soft "I know."

Looking up at him, she knew had to say this to him, give him this hope before she left for England.

"I'll come back, Spence. I'll- I'll be back. This- we, we're not finished yet."

And with a spark in his eyes and flashing her that breathtaking grin that makes her heart skip a beat, he said to her, "Oh I know. We're only just beginning!"


	2. Notice regarding updates

Hey guys!

First off, I am so sorry for not having updated in literally years and vanishing without any notice!

I've had half written chapters & ideas for both of my stories, multiple chapters in fact, but I've been unable to finish them.

Truth is the last few seasons, especially 14 and 15 have sort of ruined the show for me, as well as some stuff happening in my own life have snuffed out almost all my motivation to write. To create anything, really. I've been unable to write my fanfictions, my poetry, my water-colouring (I'm absolute shit at it but I do it as a form of de-stressing). I even had the buds of an original short story that I'd decided to write that has so far been lost to me.

I've been unable to get accepted into the MPhil program I wanted to go to, or the PhD courses in the foreign universities I'd applied to. This has taken two years of my life which are a big gaping hole in my resume, as I've also not had much work experience due to personal reasons. All in all I feel like a big fat failure and a burden and an embarrassment to my family and most of my mental energy has been spent on ignoring this feeling and focusing on doing better in the next exam and then the next and the next.

I promise to you guys I WILL come back to these, I WILL finish and publish them again. The 1st chapters of both of my stories sat on my computer for quite a while but they were eventually finished and so will the rest of them. It may take a few months but I will come back to you.

You all have been so patient thus far and I can only ask for more understanding and nothing else!


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